Joe Biden Shows Off Kung Fu Skills

The other night, at a fundraiser for jobless gender-studies majors, former Vice President Joe Biden gave a speech. He spoke to the importance of tolerance, grace, and poise under pressure. After his speech the floor was opened up for questions from the audience. The fifth question in saw a young Latino man step up and ask Biden what his plan was to halt illegal immigration. To this query, Biden responded, “I won’t stop them, my friend Jesus Christ once said, ‘let the little peas come to me’, and I plan on doing just that!” The young Latino man then explained that open borders would allow criminals a free pass in and out of the country. Biden angrily pointed at the young man, “if you don’t like Mexicans, sonny boy, then I will personally kick your brown a** until you change your mind!” He then proceeded to awkwardly alternate throwing punches, kicks, and karate chops at the air. The auditorium fell silent, all that could be heard was the squeaking of Biden’s black Velcro shoes, his own grunts and huffs of exertion, and the occasional exclamation of, “you want a piece of this!?” When it became evident that Biden wouldn’t be stopping anytime soon, the audience slowly began filtering out of the room. As this was going on, Biden apparently threw his back out, fell to the floor, and broke his hip. Nobody took much notice as Biden lay there on the stage whimpering, still throwing the occasional punch or kick amidst incoherent mumbles.

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